smerky13

Over My Head


I tried to figure it out
Time and time again and time again
I guess there's just some things I'll never understand 

Brian kisses AJ again. He doesn’t want to leave AJ’s warm embrace. He doesn’t want to have to walk out of this room and pretend anymore. He doesn’t see why this is so wrong. Why what he’s feeling is so wrong. Shouldn’t the people who claim they love him be happy for him even though he’s happy with being with a man. With being with AJ. It’s something Brian’s been thinking about for a while now. More so every time he has to walk away from AJ and pretend.

“Alex.” Brian says. Tightening his grip around the younger mans waist.

“Yes Bri?” AJ asks, absently stroking his fingers through Brian’s hair.

“I don‘t want to walk out of here. I don‘t want to have to pretend anymore.” Brian tells AJ finally voicing his opinion.

AJ lets out a deep sigh. “Bri baby, I know. I don‘t either but they‘ll never understand. We got to ease into things. We can’t just throw this at them like that. It‘ll take time.”

“But why? I mean they love us. Don‘t they know we‘re happy and we love each other? Can‘t they just be happy for us?” Brian fires one questions right after the other. Tears brim his eyes, his emotions getting the best of him.

“Baby don‘t cry. I love you, okay? Nothing anyone says or does is gonna change that. I‘m yours and you’re mine. No doubt about it. Love knows no gender. If in the end they can‘t except us it‘ll be okay ‘cause we‘ll have each other.” AJ says wiping the tears from Brian’s face. Brian smiles and leans in, brushing his lips against AJ’s. Somehow, he knows AJ’s words are true.

“I can‘t take it anymore Alex. We have to tell them. We‘re telling them.” Brian yells slamming the door shut as he walks into the room. AJ close behind him.

“Brian just calm down okay?” AJ says as calmly as possible, trying to get Brian to settle down.

“Calm down? Calm down? You want me to fucking calm down?! AJ she just threw herself at you and you didn‘t even do anything! Then when they asked if you had any new romance in your life you just said no!” Brian yells.

“What did you want me to say Brian? It‘s not like I could have told them the truth!” AJ yells back, throwing his hands up in defeat. Walking over to the bed he plops down exhausted and drained form all the fighting that’s been going on between him and Brian.

“See that‘s exactly my point. If we told them the truth about us we wouldn‘t have to lie anymore. Do you know how much it kills me to have to pretend that we‘re not together? That I can’t kiss you or hold your hand in public? It hurts Jay, and you don‘t even care…” Brian’s voice ends in a whisper. But AJ heard his last words and his head shot up.

“What?” AJ asks in disbelief. “You don‘t think I care that you‘re hurting inside? Are you kidding me?” AJ seriously cannot believe what Brian just said. It’s like he’s not even talking to the real Brian anymore. Brian’s eyes travel to the floor then look back up at AJ.

“Well that‘s what it feels like.” He says in a small voice.

AJ shakes his head. Getting up he walks over to Brian and holds his head in his hands, looking into Brian’s eyes. “Brian, I love you. The last thing I want to do is see you hurting. If this is what you really want then we‘ll tell them. All I want is for you to be happy.” AJ cradles Brian’s head to his chest as he finishes his words. Kissing the top of Brian’s head.

Brian pulls back and looks into AJ’s eyes. “This is what I want AJ. But… are you ready?” Brian asks AJ the question that’s been burning in his head since the fight first started.

“Yes Brian. I‘m ready. We‘ll tell them tomorrow. I promise.” The determination and love shinning through AJ’s eyes is all Brian needs for reassurance. With a smile he gently brushes his lips against AJ’s. Brian starts to slowly pull away but is stopped by AJ’s hand holding his face. “Nope. Not so fast.” Brian smiles and kisses AJ again. The kiss intensifies, AJ angles his head making the kiss that much deeper, that more meaningful. Brian pours his whole heart into that one kiss, and can feel AJ’s as well. With this kiss Brian let’s AJ take him away, just falls into the kiss, into the moment. Into AJ.

I've been holding on
Now I'm letting go, just letting go
Gonna let Your love carry me away

The next morning Brian and AJ walk out of AJ’s hotel room and over to Kevin’s. “You ready?” AJ asks taking hold of Brian’s hand.

Brian takes a deep breath and smiles. “Yeah. Let‘s go.” AJ smiles back and turns the knob. Walking into the room still holding hands AJ clears his throat.

“Guys? Brian and I got something we wanna say.” Six pairs of eyes fall on them, they trail to Brian’s and AJ’s entwined hands and then back to their faces. The room falls into an awkward silence that AJ breaks. “You guys might wanna sit down.” AJ instructs to the guys. They nod and everyone takes a seat. Kevin is the first one to speak.

“What‘s going on guys?” Kevin’s eyes fall back to AJ and Brian’s hands.

Brian takes a deep breath and finally speaks up. “Kev, guys, AJ and I are together. We have been for a while now.” Brian chances a glance over at AJ and sees him smiling. This only makes him smile in return until he looks back at the guys and sees their faces.

“I need some air.” Kevin abruptly stands up and walks out the door without another word. Brian is left staring at the spot his cousin was just sitting in.

“What just happened?” Brian asks to no one in particular. He’s not sure what he was expecting but it sure wasn’t that. Kevin left so quickly he wasn’t sure what was going on anymore. The elation he had was now gone and he was left with sadness.

“Howie? Nick?” AJ asks quietly.

“Well, I‘m glad you guys told us. It‘s gonna get some getting used to, but I‘m okay with it. Whatever makes you guys happy. And if each other does that, then I‘m happy for you both.” Howie says with a warm smile.

Relief washes over both AJ and Brian. They smile and give Howie a hug. Brian then turns to Nick whose been the quietest through this whole thing. “Nicky?” Brian asks quietly. As Nick looks up Brian’s heart starts to pick up pace, he can’t take Nick hating him, he really needs his best friend right now.

“Bri man, you know I‘ll always care for you. If Jay makes you happy then I‘m cool with it. Though I don‘t know why you‘d want him….” Nick trails off with a smile on his face. AJ throws a pillow at his face and laughs.

“Thanks buddy.” AJ says sarcastically. Wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist. The smile on Brian’s face is a mile wide. He let’s out the breathe he didn’t know he was holding and pulls Nick into a hug.

“Thank you.” He whispers in Nick’s ear. Pulling back, Nick smiles.

“Just take care of each other okay?” Brian and AJ nod. “You think Kev‘s okay?” The room falls quiet once more.

“I don‘t know.” Brian looks at AJ but it doesn’t matter. He can deal with Kevin later. At least everyone knows now. The love Brian sees in AJ’s eyes is enough for him. He knows this is where he belongs and if Kevin can’t see that or the rest of his family for that matter then it’s okay, because he has AJ and the rest of the guys. And that’s all he needs right now.

It’s been a few weeks since Brian and AJ first told the guys. Kevin’s finally come around. He said the reason for him storming out was because they didn’t tell him sooner, he said that he would have supported them no matter what, just that it hurt him that they kept it a secret for so long. Nobody’s eyes were dry during this confession. Kevin even said he’d help break it to Brian’s parents if he wanted. Brian thanked Kevin telling him he could use all the help he could get. AJ and Brian decided to tell Denise first seeing as she’d be a lot easier to deal with.

“Mom, I wanna tell you something.” AJ says seriously as he pulls away from his mothers embrace. Denise’s face covers in worry. “There‘s nothing wrong, just sit down okay?” AJ maneuvers his mom over to the couch and sits down.

“What is it Alex?” A million worse case scenarios run through Denise’s mind but she doesn’t voice any of them. Instead she sits and waits for her son to continue.

“Hold on.” AJ smiles and walks out of the room. Seconds later he’s back with Brian behind him. “Mom, we just wanted to tell you that we‘re together.” AJ stands and waits for his mothers reaction. A smile fills her face, and relief washes over AJ.

“Oh sweetie that‘s wonderful! I always thought there was something between you two.” She hugs them both and then slaps their arms.

“Ow! What was that for?” Both men ask, rubbing the spot on their arms.

“For not telling me sooner.” She says with a smile. Turning serious she asks, “Have you told your parents yet?” Denise directs her question towards Brian.

“Not yet, but we will. We‘re actually gonna fly out there tomorrow. The guys and us that is… and I was wondering, could you maybe come with us too? We‘d really like all the support we can get.” Brian asks shyly.

Denise smiles even wider. “Of course I‘ll go with you.” With that said she hugs the boys once more and leaves. Giving them, some alone time. As his mother leaves AJ can’t take the smile off his face. His mother really is something, but he couldn’t be happier with her reaction.

“I love you.” AJ says, looking into Brian’s eyes. Brian smiles.

“I love you too.” He says placing a soft kiss on AJ lips.