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indescribable
"Set Adrift On Memory Bliss"
I lay here in bed, thinking about everything that’s happened. The memory of him is still fresh in my mind. I can still feel him next to me; still smell his scent on my pillows as I hug them to my chest. Whishing they were him.
(On memory's bliss of you)
Dadadadadada Dadadadadada Dadadadadada (oh) dadadadada
The candle plays the hourglass
The days go and all I do is
Think of you and wonder where you are at night
I close my eyes and I can see his face in my mind. That beautiful smile, those clear blue eyes, the golden hair. His angelic voice. My mind haunts me with the memory of him. Then it comes, like every night before this. It comes out so fresh in my mind it’s like it’s just happened. It starts out like every other fight we’ve had.
*Flashback*
“AJ I can‘t take this. I keep trying to get you to open up but all you do is push me away. I tell myself that it‘s just a phase, that you‘ll come around and in the end it‘ll all be worth it. But I can‘t do it anymore. I can‘t keep putting myself out there only to get my heart broken.” Brian looks at me. Waiting for a response but I can’t move. I just sit there, taking everything in. Not letting him see any of the emotions I’m feeling. I know his words are true, but I can’t bring myself to tell him. Letting him in would be so much harder than keeping him shut out.
“Fine.” He says seeing he wasn’t going to get a reaction out of me. Grabbing his stuff, Brian walks to the door. I don’t look up as I hear him turn to face me. “I love you Alex.” And just like that, he’s gone.
Oh I remember everything
Every smile, and even all
The reasons why you say
I pushed you out of my life
*End flashback*
Everything from that day, every emotion comes flooding back in. It hurts so much. As I look back on that day, I kick myself all over again. I should have told him. Should have let it all out, let him in. But I just couldn’t; and now I’m paying for it.
[Chorus:]
Baby you set me... (Hahahahaha)
Baby you set me... (Dadadadadada)
Set adrift on memory's bliss of you (dadadadada)
Baby you set me... (Hahahahaha Dadadadadada)
Set adrift on memory's bliss of you (dadadadada)
In my dreams I still see us together. How happy we used to be. I never felt anything like that before I met Brian. He brought so much out in me. I dream of the day we can be together again, but then reality hits me like a brick wall.
He’s not mine. Hasn’t been for awhile now. He’s hers now and it’s going to be official soon. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Are you going to say anything?” Brian asks me as I walk into the room he’s waiting in. I look at him and I know I can’t do it. Not to him, not me, not to us. I can’t put us through it again. Plus, it’d ruin everything he has right now. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. It kills me, but I know he deserves it. Especially after everything I put him through. “Do you care?” He asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I don‘t say anything. I know if I do I‘ll just break down. I know he‘ll see how much I‘m hurting and he‘ll come running back. As much as I want him, I can‘t let him give up his happiness for me. “Go.” I tell him. The word is empty and full of nothing.
He nods and I know what he’s thinking. He’s thinking that nothings changed and I still won’t let him in, that I don’t care what happens to him anymore. With one last look he walks out of the room, out of my life. I scream at myself to go after him, but I can’t. I just stand there, rooted to the spot.
Destiny is everything
Reality's replaced you with
The biggest empty void I've ever had in life (ever had in life) ohh
Bet you say that I don't care
I bet you say that I don't even think of you
But God knows how wrong you are
I watch him as he waves goodbye, getting into the limo with his new wife. I stay until the car turns into a small speck in the distance. Then I leave. I go home and lie back in my bed. Images of the wedding I once dreamed of flood into my mind. I quickly push them out of my mind. I know it’ll be her waking up next to him tomorrow morning. Not me, and it hurts, but I know he’s happy.
Baby will you be there when the morning comes?
(Baby will you be there?)
Just give me time (just give me time)
To fix my life (to fix my life, baby)
Baby will you be there when I open my eyes?
After all the time I've spent, wishing you
I try to will away all the pain I have inside but I can’t and I know why. I tried so hard to deny it. But every time I think about it, I come to the same conclusion. It’s my fault. If I would have let him in, it would have been me and him waving our goodbyes. There’s nothing I can do to change or fix things, all I can do is reminisce over how we used to be.
Sadness that overwhelmed me
My mind flies and carelessly
Imagines that you're happy with your life right now oh
I guess that's just the way it goes
Forever's gone so now I must
Place you with all the things that I can never have
“I still love you Brian.” I whisper into the darkness as I turn over. Crying myself to sleep.
[Chorus]
So come on now (Hahahahaha)
I know this much is true (Dadadadadada)
I know this much is true (dadadadada Hahahahaha)
2007-12-21 08:09 pm (UTC)